Brain Surgery

How nice it would be if we could all say that we feel whole, connected, even holy. But many of us are tormented by painful emotions and by thoughts of fear, anger, despair, inadequacy. We do therapy for years, talk therapy, cognitive behavioral therapy, we go from medication to medication, finding little or no relief. But now there are alternatives, based on recent genetic and anatomical procedures, based on recent medical discoveries about the human brain and its plastic structure and functions, based upon the use of technologies that did not exist before. Yes, many of these procedures are costly, and most of us don’t even consider them, or our health insurance doesn’t cover them. But don’t eliminate these new options because of that. What follows are some very simple steps for doing at-home brain surgery on yourself. At-home brain surgery has gotten a very bad name. Many people are afraid to try it. But the dangers are minimal if you follow these very basic steps.
To do brain surgery on yourself all you need are the right tools and adequate lighting. You’ve probably seen ads on-line for expensive scalpels and all sorts of sterile materials. But you can find everything you need to operate on yourself in your own home. A pair of tweezers, two sewing needles, thread (in your favorite color,) one of those tiny scissors used for cutting nose hairs, a good mirror and a good magnifying glass are all the tools you’ll need.
Many people repair themselves on a coffee table or at their desks. I have always found the kitchen table to be the best work surface, especially if it has good overhead lighting. Many fancy repair kits come with expensive sterile sheets to spread out on your
work surface. But what you may not know is that the inside pages of an unread newspaper are absolutely sterile, and that’s what I recommend you use, at a fraction of the cost of those fancy plastic sheets you’ve seen advertised. Don’t be afraid the ink will rub off on your brain. The new hemp-based inks are water-resistant.
First, unhinge your skull and remove your brain. As you lift it out, get a sense of its size, weight and texture. Does it have a good consistency? Some brains get too hard, like unripe melons. Others are too watery, like silken tofu. But don’t rush from judgment to action. This is the time for contemplation. You’ll be taking care of these problems later. Start by putting your brain in the middle of your kitchen table. Before you do anything, study it carefully. You may want to get a good diagram of the brain. On the other hand, this is your brain, so trust your intuition. All brains are different, and no doctor in the world can tell you how yours should look. Give yourself plenty of time to study it yourself. Notice any unusual bumps or discoloration. I like to keep a bottle of Whiteout handy. It’s not as easy to find as it used to be before we had computers, but it does now come in gray, pink, yellow and other colors. Check all the folds of your brain for dust and debris. A lot of schmutz can collect in all those crevices. Use a hairdryer set on low to blow it out. To remove smaller pieces or anything that gets stuck, gently pick with a needle or pull away the really stubborn ones with your tweezers.
When the surface of your brain is clean, gently pull apart the hemispheres and all the lobes. Check all the inside fissures and inspect for any irregularities, and don’t forget to turn it upside down and check the bottom. Snip them away all irregularities with your scissors. Although our brains register all of our thoughts and emotions, they actually do not have any nerve endings to register pain, so do not be afraid of hurting yourself. When
you are doing at-home brain surgery, always remember that pain is non-existent. (Too bad the rest of life isn’t this way.)
Before you do anything else, take time to appreciate the divisions between the cerebrum, cerebellum, and the brain stem. Your brain is a complicated organ, the product of millions of years of evolution. Each section has its own purpose and function, and when you understand that you can proceed to do the kind of work on yourself that years of therapy can never accomplish. You can change your brain, and therefore change your entire life. Just don’t get carried away. Brain surgery is a minimalist art form. A snip here, a tug there, and a lifetime of neurosis and bad habits can be eliminated in one easy step, not the twelve that so many people find themselves participating in. And no amount of meditation can bring you to the same states of peace and harmony that at-home brain surgery can. Just follow the simple diagram attached to these instructions, snipping away the regions you want to eliminate. Then one, two, three, and you’re as good as new again. And don’t be a victim of fear, thinking that there’s nothing you can do to help yourself. And don’t be taken in by fancy advertisements designed to sell you expensive treatments. Take your life in hand, take your brain in hand, and in under twenty-five minutes you will be the proud owner of a self-repaired brain that will be the envy of all of your family, friends, and neighbors, and a shining tribute to your innate divine nature.